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Remembering Dolly
Tien-wen Tao Wiedmann
On a Friday evening in November 1994, I was working late in the office and a fax arrived from LiLin Hsu in Taiwan asking me to look in on her good friend Dolly who was treated for leukemia at Stanford University Hospital. I immediately called Dolly at the number LiLin gave me. Expecting to hear a weak voice from a very sick person on the phone line, I was surprised by a strong voice filled with energy and good cheer though she had just come home from a tough day at the Hospital. We stayed on the phone for more than an hour when Dolly gave me a most impressive and articulate treatise of her illness in a scientific and rational way. Wanting to learn more about how I could help her, I decided to pay her a visit on my way home that same evening. That was when and how I met Dolly for the first time.
Dolly and I became friends immediately and our friendship grew quickly. Dolly put it well in her note to me on April 15, 1995 after she had been released from the Hospital following bone marrow transplantation: "Dear Tien-wen: This stay in Palo Alto has truly been rewarding - mostly because I have gained such a wonderful new friend as you! As we move through life, it is not easy to find soul mates along the path whom we respect and adrnire (and can learn from). I hope our friendship will last throughout the years even though in a few months we will be separated by an ocean and time. Love, Dolly". This is typical Dolly - warm, gracious, and positive! I feel privileged to have known her and to have had her friendship.
In the short year, we had the opportunity of spending a great deal of time together because of the unusual circumstances. We spent hundreds of hours talking, especially during the months when she was in isolation in the hospital following bone marrow transplantation. We talked about everything under the sun. I learned about her family, friends, successes, failures, strengths, weaknesses, aspirations, regrets, among others. We shared with each other our trials and tiumphs of our respective professions. We talked about the building and maintenance of the kind of relationships we would wish to have
with our family and friends, and we talked about our prionties in life, so on and so forth. I believe that we both enjoyed the luxury of having these hours of open communication.
Throughout her illness, Dolly was courageous, positive, yet realistic. She was a model patient and a full participant in the treatment of her illness. She always wanted to understand fully her illness including the scientific aspects of various treatment options and their pros and cons. She read all the scientific literature I provided her and understood it well. Dolly respected my professional opinion and trusted me with all the details of her illness including communicating with her physician. I think that I was able
to cheer her up sometimes and provide a shoulder for her to cry on. She was mentally so strong and so considerate of not making her family and friends suffer that she had a tendency to keep the bad news and her sorrow to herself. There was only this one time in early summer that she took the initiative to call me to tell me she felt devastated - that was the time when it was confirmed that her leukernia cells had returned. This is the greatest fear for the patients who undergo the treatrnent modality of bone marrow transplantation, because no other effective treatment exists. So the worst scenario happened to Dolly. I picked her up and we had lunch at one of her favorite Japanese restaurants. The remembrance of that day still gives me the greatest sinking feeling of plessness and despair. But Dolly was brave. Instead of wallowing in self pity, she took the constructive way of dealing with the situation by formulating action plans including making appropriate closures with everyone in her life. Her condition remained stable until September when the growth of her tumor cells started to escalate resulting in progressive worsening of her health. She was a ferocious fighter throughout her illness. Unfortunately, science is not yet advanced enough to offer any effective treatment to save her. Though she lost the battle at the end, she managed to prolong her life for a while through her strong will so she could have more time with her children.
At the end, I was the only one with Dolly when she passed away peacefully in the early morning of December 3, 1995, at the Stanford University Hospital. All happened quickly. Briefly, Teresa, Dolly's half sister from Vancouver who was staying with Dolly at the time, called me around 2am on December 3 telling me that Dolly was having trouble breathing and that an ambulance was called to take her to the Stanford Hospital. I told her that I would leave immediately for the Hospital and would meet her there. When I got to the Hospital, Dolly was already put on 100% oxygen and also receiving morphine
intravenously. Teresa and I sat at her bedside, held her hands, and talke to her to reassure her. Dolly's breathing eventually became stable and she seemed to be drifting to sleep. It was a little before 5am. Teresa and I decided that we should take turns staying with Dolly. Since Teresa was exhausted physically and emotionally, she went home to take a short rest and would come back to the hospital around 9am. In addition, she needed to send a fax to John asking him to return to Palo Alto immediately (he was still on the plane from San Francisco to Taipei having left SF on December 2). Meanwhile, I continued to stay by Dolly's bedside holding her hand, reassuring her that I was with her, and doing small chores to make her comfortable. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully and soundly (even snoring from time to time). Blood started to appear in her expelled breaths. Attempts to stop the bleeding with platelet transfusion failed. She continued to sleep peacefully, though her breathing was slowing down and then stopped completely around 7am. She looked relaxed and at peace. All the signs of suffering and discomfort for the previous months were gone. After the confirmation by the attending physian, I called John to tell him the sad news. John asked me to tell Dolly that he loved her and that he would take good care of their children. I sat alone with Dolly until the visit by the Hospital Chaplain and the return of Teresa. Teresa and I accompanied Dolly to the morgue and bade her farewell. (Note: I recorded the events of the last few hours in Dolly's notebook.) The whole episode was an unique yet indescribable experience for me. Perhaps with time I would be able to sort out what my feelings were at that time. I know however that it was extremely difficult for me to watch Dolly pass away. It would have been a great deal more difficult for her family had they been here! This was probably how Dolly wanted it. Believing that I would act professionally and rationally during her last hours, she chose me to be with her and spared her family from excessive suffering. For this, I feel honored and humbled.
Dolly's greatest regret was to be deprived of the opportunity to watch and help AnChi and LuAn grow up. I always told her that they would be fine. Indeed, they are, under the l ving wings of John and supported by caring help from Dolly's parents, Polly, and some good friends. Finally, I am grateful to Dolly for being such a great inspiration to me, and also because of her I have the good fortune to have gained a number of wonderful friends including Dolly's family and some of her friends. All of us will keep Dolly's memory alive. She is indeed special and unforgettable. We all miss her.
1994年11月的一個週五晚上，我在辦公室工作到很晚，台灣的徐莉玲發來一份傳真，請我去探望她在史丹佛大學醫院接受白血病治療的好朋友多莉。我立刻按照莉玲打電話給我的號碼。我以為會在電話線上聽到一個重病患者微弱的聲音，但令我驚訝的是，儘管她剛從醫院度過了艱難的一天回家，但她的聲音充滿活力和歡樂。我們在電話裡聊了一個多小時，多莉以科學合理的方式對她的疾病進行了令人印象深刻、最清晰的論述。為了更了解如何幫助她，我決定當天晚上回家的路上去拜訪她。那是我第一次見到多莉的時間和方式。
多莉和我立刻成了朋友，我們的友誼發展得很快。 1995 年4 月15 日，多莉在接受骨髓移植手術出院後，在給我的信中寫到：「親愛的天文：在帕洛阿爾託的這段時光真的很有意義——主要是因為我獲得了這樣的成就，即使只有幾個月。這就是典型的多莉——熱情、親切、積極！我很榮幸能夠認識她並擁有她的友誼。
在短短的一年裡，由於不尋常的情況，我們有機會一起度過了很多時間。我們花了數百個小時交談，尤其是在她接受骨髓移植後在醫院隔離的幾個月。我們談論了陽光下的一切。我了解了她的家人、朋友、成功、失敗、優點、缺點、願望、遺憾等等。我們互相分享各自職業的考驗和勝利。我們討論了建立和維持我們希望擁有的關係
與我們的家人和朋友一起，我們談論生活中的重要事情等等。我相信我們都享受了這些時間的開放交流的奢侈。
在患病期間，多莉勇敢、積極但現實。她是一位模範患者，並且全面參與了她的疾病的治療。她一直想充分了解自己的疾病，包括各種治療方案的科學性及其優缺點。她閱讀了我提供給她的所有科學文獻，並且理解得很好。多莉尊重我的專業意見，並相信我會告訴我她病情的所有細節，包括與她的醫生的溝通。我認為我有能力
有時讓她高興起來，並為她哭泣提供一個肩膀。她的內心如此堅強，如此體貼，不讓家人和朋友受苦，以至於她傾向於把壞消息和悲傷留給自己。初夏只有一次，她主動打電話給我，告訴我她的心痛不欲生──那一次，她的白血球被確認回來了。這是接受骨髓移植治療方式的患者最擔心的，因為沒有其他有效的治療方法。最糟糕的情況發生在多莉身上。我去接她，我們在她最喜歡的日本餐廳之一共進午餐。回想起那一天，我仍然感到無比的沮喪和絕望。但多莉很勇敢。她沒有沉溺於自憐之中，而是採取建設性的方式來處理這種情況，制定行動計劃，包括與她生活中的每個人進行適當的結束。她的病情一直保持穩定，直到九月份，她的腫瘤細胞開始加速生長，導致她的健康狀況逐漸惡化。在她患病期間，她一直是一名兇猛的戰士。不幸的是，科學還不夠先進，無法提供任何有效的治療方法來拯救她。雖然最終她輸掉了戰鬥，但她憑藉自己的力量，成功地延長了自己的生命一段時間，這樣她就可以有更多的時間陪伴孩子。
最後，1995 年 12 月 3 日凌晨，多莉在史丹佛大學醫院安詳地去世時，我是唯一陪伴在她身邊的人。一切都發生得很快。簡而言之，12 月3 日凌晨2 點左右，來自溫哥華的多莉同父異母的妹妹特蕾莎當時和多莉住在一起，她打電話給我，告訴我多莉呼吸困難，並叫了一輛救護車將她送往史丹佛醫院。我告訴她我會立即前往醫院並在那裡與她會面。當我到達醫院時，多莉已經接受了 100% 的氧氣並接受嗎啡治療
靜脈注射。 特蕾莎和我坐在她的床邊，握著她的手，和她說話，讓她放心。多莉的呼吸終於變得平穩，她似乎快要睡著了。那時還不到凌晨 5 點。我和特蕾莎決定輪流和多莉住在一起。由於特蕾莎身心疲憊，回家休息片刻，上午9點左右回到醫院。另外，她還需要給John傳真，要求他立即返回帕洛阿爾托（12月2日離開舊金山後，他還在從舊金山飛往台北的飛機上）。同時，我繼續留在多莉的床邊握著她的手，讓她放心我和她在一起，並做一些小家務讓她感到舒服。她看起來睡得很安穩（甚至時不時地打鼾）。她呼出的氣中開始出現血液。嘗試因血小板輸注失敗而止血。她繼續安穩地睡著，但呼吸逐漸減慢，並在早上 7 點左右完全停止。她看起來輕鬆而平靜。前幾個月所有的痛苦和不適的跡像都消失了。經主治醫生確認後，我打電話給約翰，告訴他這個不幸的消息。約翰要我轉告多莉，他愛她，並且會好好照顧他們的孩子。我獨自和多莉坐在一起，直到醫院牧師來訪和特蕾莎回來。我和特蕾莎陪著多莉來到太平間，向她道別。 （註：我在多莉的筆記本上記錄了過去幾個小時的事件。）整個事件對我來說是一次獨特又難以形容的經歷。也許隨著時間的推移，我能夠理清我當時的感受。但我知道，看著多莉過世對我來說是極其痛苦的。如果她的家人在這裡的話，事情會更加困難！這可能就是多莉想要的。她相信我會在她生命的最後幾個小時裡表現得很專業、理性，所以她選擇了我和她在一起，讓她的家人免受過度的痛苦。為此，我感到榮幸又謙卑。
多莉最大的遺憾就是被剝奪了看著並幫助安池和露安成長的機會。我總是告訴她他們會沒事的。事實上，他們在約翰的庇護下，得到多莉父母、波莉和一些好朋友的關心和幫助。最後，我很感謝多莉給了我很大的啟發，也因為她，我有幸認識了許多很好的朋友，包括多莉的家人和她的一些朋友。我們所有人都會記得多莉。她確實很特別，令人難忘。我們都想念她。
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